So many of you who follow me on Instagram will know that I took a 3 and a half week hiatus! And an even longer break from this blog! Crazy….. I remember when I used to have at least 2-3 posts on this blog a week consistently for like….ages. What happened!? University happened. YES, university pretty much put my life on hold for a whole load of reasons, and because of that I have some very mixed feelings about my experience at university, THUS a story time blog post seemed like the right thing to do.I don’t know if writing this will feel therapeutic, but I definitely feel like this is something I’ve felt almost ashamed of and I’ve bottled it up inside for so long.
Today was my last day at university, the past 3 weeks have been all about some pretty intense labouring over my final year project. It’s been emotional AF! I’ve been daydreaming about today (now yesterday), thinking that I was going to give this work in and feel so care free and like a massive weight had lifted from my shoulders (that’s certainly how I felt when I finished my second year). But I felt a whole load of different unexpected emotions this time round, anxiety was at an all time high when driving into that student car park, honestly felt like I was gonna sh*t myself and once I’d given it in and left, I felt no lift, no happiness and no sense of sudden freedom. Maybe I had too high an expectation for the moment? I don’t know, but I left feeling tired, exhausted, shattered, wanting to cry my eyes out and emotionally drained.
So you guys can maybe get an idea of why I’ve not felt great even though it’s a time for celebration, lets mull through my whole university experience shall we? Get some tea and biscuits, because this could take a while.
In 2014 I started university on a Fashion Marketing and Management BA degree, I got into university through clearing because of undesirable grades in college. Long story short, bullying sucks and I had to move from college to sixth form and attended 2 different places for AS and then A level. At the time, I was really into it and really loved it, however was not here for the drama….drop me out. Eventually, me being 18 I thought I knew it all and dropped out of university because I felt like I can move onto ‘bigger and better things’. The bigger better things didn’t exactly pan out for me, so I tried working full time and that was a nightmare, the boss was horrible and the colleagues were equally just as bitchy. I got to a point where I did know what I wanted to do in life, but still felt lost and going back to university felt like the only thing that was remotely sensible and offered me stability at the time.
So September 2015 I went back to uni (same uni, same course) and decided that I would give it another go, and this time I promised myself that it was for keeps as I knew I couldn’t keep dropping out of university. The first year wasn’t so bad, but the second year of university is where I struggled majorly, I went to New York in November 2016 and let’s just say you learn the most about people when you either live with them or travel with them. I realised people who I thought were my real friends and good mates really didn’t have my best interest at heart. In New York I found out that one of my ‘girls’ snaked and threw me under the bus back in London and it was shocking to be honest, and she didn’t even apologise nor was she the one to tell me that she has opened her big mouth about something I hadn’t even disclosed to her in the first place. Not only that, when someone you think is your best friend ditches you in the middle of New York and rather than wait for you to catch up they continue walking yards and yards and yards in front of you… sorry, not sorry. What kind of basic b*tch sh*t is that, like who does that? Last time I checked you don’t have to give an arm and a leg to just stand and wait for your mate to catch up with you when they’re 60 feet away. I just noticed that the people I was hanging around had a lack of respect for people and genuinely had no manners…. stop bring your stinky chicken into the room we all have to share and leaving it there to grow arms and legs.
Back in London at uni it wasn’t much better, I had one friend who was always so rude and passive aggressive towards me but would always swear she didn’t know she was doing it or didn’t mean it (this went on for the whole 3 years and I had come so close so many times to dropping myself out of the friendship). The one time, at her house she decided that she’d say back handed comments under her breathe that were directed towards me. LITERALLY…. I was surrounded by the most immature girls I have ever met in my life. During second year, all of these circumstances as well as outside circumstances really aggravated my anxiety, I was having panic attacks daily, crying my eyes out all the time, and pretty much being a total wreck. As you can imagine, I started not wanting to show up, I was so scared to have a panic attack at university in front of people and generally feeling so depressed, not wanting to get out of bed I was pretty much struggling on a different level.
The problem with this was that the whole of second year was group work…. so it was completely wrong timing to be having a melt down. My peers were far from understanding, instead they complained to tutors, one of them even screamed at me in the lecture hall, and to cut a long story short, when it came time to do our presentation they decided to leave my name off the work even though the presentation included work I had done and sent to them. BITCHINESS AT IT’S FINEST. I also felt that my university didn’t feel like a university, I felt like I was in college. The library wasn’t 24/7 it would close at 8pm and there were no campus groups and it was in Surrey…. so far from central London. I don’t know it just wasn’t the right fit for me AT ALL.
-A MORE POSITIVE NOTE-
All in all, I am happy that I stuck through it, so many times I really didn’t want to be there or I just wanted to drop out. I definitely feel like if you’re a student that didn’t enjoy you’re university experience it’s looked at as taboo or that we’re ungrateful. But the thing is, we have to speak about our bad experiences just as much as we speak about the good ones, I’m hoping that this will be the start of an amazing new chapter for myself now that I can finally focus on what I feel is important to me, My career, blogging, business and relationship.
For a more in-depth explanation on my university experience watch my story time video on Youtube! Links down below.